TowerOne.com

One of my greatest pet hates is marketing speak. I cannot stand the buzz-word infested drivel garbage they come out with. I am sure marketeers dream it up just to hack everyone off.

Just close your eyes for a moment and picture it. A bunch of marketeers (collectively known as a ‘crap’) sitting in a pure white office, on pure white easy chairs. A six-foot tall red lava lamp gently bubbles in one corner of the room, and hanging on the wall is a white canvas bearing the imprint of a childs hand - symbolizing the innocence of non-marketeers in a complex world. Today our crap of marketeers is having an ideas session for a website ‘About Us’ page.

After a five minute ‘vocalisation’ where each member of the crap takes it in turn to alternately shout out the name of the website and then sing the phrase ‘mooowooo’ in a low tone and without breaking for breath, a bearded guy wearing black jeans and a black turtle neck steps up to a white-board.

They first get in touch with the values of the site, calling out value words and phrases such as ‘fun’, ‘quality’ and ‘visitor satisfaction’. They then ‘brainstorm’ the key messages they want to convey. Now it’s at this stage that things seem to have gone horribly, horribly wrong for aniBoom.com.

Here is an extract from the aniBoom.com ‘About Us‘ page.

aniBoom is a cross-media, cross-platform animation content project which addresses wide audiences through a range of genres, techniques and means. In order to get things started we chose the most democratic medium, the Internet. In our next phase we intend to cross over to other mediums as well as TV, Cellular, PC games etc. We’re also deeply proud at the fact that aniBoom is the first content project of its kind which focuses solely on animation in the hyper world of user generated content and Web 2.0.

“a cross-media, cross-platform animation content project”. “we chose the most democratic medium”. “the hyper world of user generated content and Web 2.0″

Ladies and Gentlemen of the crap, it’s a freaking social network site for cartoon creators and lovers.

Marketeers, you add nothing to this planet other than a carbon footprint. I despise every single breath you steal from the rest of humankind. So it gives me great joy to inform you that you days are numbered. A year from now there will be no Marketing Department in existence anywhere in the World. There may possibly be a typical crap preserved in a museum somewhere or other. Perhaps the room I described will be reconstructed with stuffed marketeers carefully posed and positioned. People will travel miles just to laugh. But other than that there will be no trace. Nil. Nada. Gone forever.

And how do I know all this? Well I have found the secret of your power. A marketing bullshit generator so powerful, not even politicians dare use it. Engineers, Scientists and experts in Immunolgy across the globe will flock to the site to discover the secrets of your illness. Within six months there will be a vaccine, and within twelve months - you’re extinct!

The Bullshit Generator

 

Tags: aniBoom